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After a week of sleepless night and haunting night,I finally got some sleep last night,don't know if is because my body is so shag and weak,reach its limits.For the past few nights,the moment I close my eye,voice start to drill into my mind,the voice of the dark lonely self within me,who I sealed up previously but seem like the seal broke off.Haiz....The voice is very demoralizing,telling me how weak how useless I am,supported with many examples,tried to think positive but when those example given,it simply devour me.
Been playing DOTA lately,tried to understand each character and the skills,but when played along with Kenneth and Tze Wei,all my efforts seem to go down the drain,knowing I'm weak,avoiding head on with them and nothing seem to work out well.Same old comments and sometime really demoralize my motivation.
Is it all just because of me,not trying hard enough?Or simply I don't belong here?How to happy go lucky?How can I not put the world before me?Why it's so difficult to be myself?And why none of my effort seem to work out well?


Rejected another invitation,I simply dare not move beyond my world,too much factor and too much commitment in me.Haiz...Will only destroy more thing if if tried,so for now I simply just keep to myself and hopefully can make it through.
I can't afford to lose anything anymore and the pain of losing is horrible.Trying my best to find some peace within,but don't seem to help.

Everything is falling apart.
Everything that I care about
and people that I love
are slowly but surely drifting away.
The pain hurts
but at the same time
I suppose I'm used to it.
I don't know
where to go from here
but if I had a choice,
I wouldn't be here.
I would be as far away
as I possibly could.
Away from this Hell,
that is supposedly my home.

Cross path

So much emotion within me,stirring and chaos within me.
Sat down to mediate,hoping will find some peace but none,it was horrifying,lots of voices within,keep on nagging and telling me what to do.Thought this was just my problem last night but now it become a serious problem,thinking through about what had happened,and I sort of found out it's all myself that's causing all these.
I've been cross path-ing people's life so much,so much so that I lost my own identity.I've always been as how people see me,trying my best to fit into the group,but the actual fact is that sometime all these is not just myself,why is that so?Why is being myself so difficult?
Why people can't give me some space where I can really be myself?These questions really take my souls away,and now I'm feeling like a black hole within my body,sucking never end,the feeling sucks.
Kenneth and Tze Wei invited me along to go clubbing,but somehow I felt in order to get back to reality,I should just stop cross path-ing their life,staying away would be the best solution.
Deep within yes,I hope to join them,but thing will get worse if I do so,inside is now bleeding,just when will the bleeding stop?


Almost time for work and I didn't slept abit,freaking shag.Yesterday was a long day, quite draggy at work,went in at 0600 and end at 1630,and I was attached out to people,I stood back because no one was release, just plain waiting.
Few more days to ORD,feeling kind of lost and sad,and worse my seniors bought me a parker pen,and wished me luck in my studies and future endeavors,it kind of make the whole emotion even worse.I'm someone who hate leaving,leaving as in the sense of losing contact and after 2 years of work and fun with time,they sort of become my family.Especially my senior,he's like a older brother to any of us,Haiz.....
Had a chat with Kenneth,who's preparing to studies and Tze Wei,who's starting work next week,seem like everyone is going on separate ways,and the answer that was given,that's just life.Kind of sad,after NS,it's still back to myself again.Haiz....
Played DOTA with Tze Wei,keep losing,and reason of my lost is because I don't tried to understand?Don't know,maybe.Chatted with Tze Wei on the reason of losing and it kind of got hostile,yes I do agree I'm hostile,no matter how I tried,how much effort I tried to understand,the same old comments will keep appearing,Haiz....I'm really tired,I'm not a gamer,winning or losing doesn't make a different to me,that's why I prefer to work alone.Who really understand how much effort I put to understand and play the game?And the end result is the same.
Tried to sleep last night,but things seem to got out of hand,the voice of people telling me to do this to do that,don't do this don't do that and my inner self of reprimands keep haunting me the whole night.So much disappointment,can't escape the fact of life,people come and go,why am I still holding on?Why I still believe best buddies?Perhaps all is just a myths in olden days,not applicable to now.

No teamwork

Just lost another round of DOTA with Kenneth and Tze Wei,perfectly normal,Haha,I know it's all because of me,I'm weak,no teamwork and no military intelligent.Basically I don't know why I'm still playing the game,when I know myself that playing with them will end up losing and the main reason for losing is because of me.
Maybe what Kenneth say is true,no teamwork in the game is sure die attitude,perhaps that's just me,and I totally agree with what he said.Sometime I think I really no teamwork,it's just me in my own world,or isit just our mindset is different?Anyway I just finished the game,and this is some thoughts that in my mind.
Interesting fact about life.

Kungfu Panda

Hmm,just got back not long ago,been a long day for me,a sudden meeting was held urgently this morning,and I woke up quite early today,8am.The meeting was held at 10.30am and agenda was not prepared due to this meeting was call up so suddenly.The meeting was about the business proposal offered by a fengshui company.
Went down to Toa Payoh hub to listen on this proposal,everything was so well till the point I was kill of pissed off by the word said by the speaker,his word is sarcastic,and his intention wasn't very nice.
The proposal was nice but due to the fact that it require a large sum of capital,4k!Where am I to get that kind of money?I totally agree the incentive is good,and is a profitable source for my company.
From this proposal,I felt that over the years,fengshui has become so commercialize,till a point where when we mentioned fengshui to people,they will reply 'that's for rich people' and personally I doubt so and my company's vision and mission is to bring fengshui affordable to almost everyone,and because of this belief,I sort of head on with what the speaker say.To me fengshui is the understanding of the universe and is a gift for people to use it,everyone should be able to enjoy it and should not be only the rich,why has this opinion been implant to many people's mind?Is there a problem with my dream?To make fengshui affordable to everyone?Yes,your words might not be wrong too but I'm just feel that everyone share the universe.Nevermind about that.
Met Tze Wei after the talk,went around Toa Payoh,had Mac ice cream to cheer myself up.Then went over to Mac to wait for his friends who's consulting my service,had so much chat and time flies,it's 8pm when I look at the time,went to had dinner at food court and then met Kenneth.
He picked us up with his father's car,went to had supper.Had dim sum,quite a nice place but they were saying there's a better choice somewhere else,maybe next time.Just before we left for home,I went to Mac,bought a happy meal because I want to get the Kungfu panda Po.LOL
This kind of brings back my memory,a nice childhood memory.Childhood memories at this age?People will be laughing out.Haha.Think I'll try my best to get the whole set.LOL.
Think I'll end here

1st Entry

This is my 1st post here, been posting on blogspot for quite awhile,still remember the 1st time I blog is because of introduction of blogging by Tze Wei,and everything went on well and unknowing I've blogged my life for the past 1year plus.I started blogging daily and slowly reduced it to every few days once and now once a week at least or if there's meaningful event that happened.Would have to say blogging had become part of my life,I still remember I told my friends that blogging is a form of wasting time but now,I'm going to take back what I've said,blogging become a form of remembering my days,releasing my stress & unhappiness and not forgetting,a form of sharing my thoughts and emotions.
Just switched over to livejournal because of constant recommendation from Kenneth,so I give it a try,how much better I wouldn't comment now,we shall see.Lately,things don't seem to be on my side,1st is the nice picture I painted in my mind of my working environment collapse and next is my body,had a high fever of 39.5deg C on Sunday,beside fever,my whole body was in pain,as if it's breaking up.
Work isn't getting any better,still the same,tonnes of works and no one bothers to do even when I'm on MC,end up I still have to cover up everything when I went back.Still the same,the Ops are flying for the sake of flying,even knowing sometime that things already shown symptom,end up the logistic side had to bear with the harsh working condition.Example is yesterday,my guys had to sent the machine out under the hot scotching sun and at the end of the track,they hold and sent back for some reason,insist on flying and this carries on.And today worse,there's a engine meltdown after the flight and it's then they hold flying.
Haven't been seeing the LTA for the past few days,think she went for course,and I seemingly do ask what Kenneth advice,forget and move on until today,she came over to borrow some stationary and struck a conversation with me,I was pretty stunned,she ask if her voice is too loud,perhaps is because I offered her the stationary before she asked.Next she ask me if my throat is feeling unwell or I'm just shy,because she noticed I'm very quiet,I wished I could answer her but word just seem not to be able to come out.And here is where it trigger me off thinking of approaching her again.Haiz....
I think working is pretty stress,waking up at 2.30am in the morning everyday to prepare for work and everyday end at 3pm plus,everyone was so drained.Somemore I'm having difficulties in getting a good rest at night,seem like my bio clock had been disrupted,I woke up almost every 1 hour every night,thinking I'm late for work and rush to the toilet to bath,and nearly left house for work,imagine I did that at 11pm,12am and 1am respectively,and when I goes back to sleep,I just couldn't sleep well.I'm having headaches because of this.
Should I or should I not?

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July 2008


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